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1. Take your turn at the 4 way stop sign and don't go out of turn.
2. If you choose the pole postion at said stop light don't turn your left turn signal on when the light changes to green. Have said turn signal on while waiting for the light to change. Thus giving us that are going straight to choose the right hand lane.Sorry Trevor not all of us in the right hand lane are turning right.
3. Don't pull out in front of me from a cross street forcing me to hit my brakes and then proceed to go slower than the speed limit!


The beauty of the right-hand lane at a stoplight is the ability to turn right and "go" even though the light is red. While I agree the late left-turn signal which initially tricked you into believing they were going straight only to reveal at the last minute they're turning is unforgivable, preventing someone from taking advantage of the glorious privilege of continuing despite a red light outweighs your desire to go straight.

Stay out of my right-hand lane if you're going to be first in line and going straight. This is the rule. Did you not see the title of this post? You're obliged.

No cutting in line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Whoa. Nobody cut that commenter off. Ever.

I may actually move your comment ahead of everyone else's. Just to be safe.


For those of you who choose to ride in a smaller cars: Do NOT tailgate me in my politically incorrect SUV (well, at least there is a Kerry sticker back there) on the freeway in the left lane because you are too dumb/ignorant/preoccupied to realize that someone just might be in front of me that is going slow that you can't see in your little car. I will almost always be going 80-ish MPH anyway- CHILL OUT. If you decide you are indeed feeling like a bad-ass and try to tailgate me in the left lane so I will move over and someone is NOT in front of me, I can almost guarantee that my 25 years of NYC road rage (and also any supressed macho bullshit)will suddenly and violently surface. I will either: 1) go 94 or more MPH (if no troopers are visible, no known speed traps are upcoming and my wife and kid are NOT present) and leave your ass in the dust while saying things to myself like "You little punk bitch" and then get into the right lane to spite you or 2)do the REALLY STUPID and dangerous break-tap technique to put a scare into you. This latter option has something like a 93% success rate in getting fuckers off my ass, but I have really almost entirely taken it out of my arsenal now that I am a father. Note: If you look remotely tough and/or I am feeling good about the universe at that moment, I might just move over, but don't count on it. Not enough therapy yet.

The American Mastodon

When I was in college, I wanted to make a film involving me, in a car, with a friend, and some large signs that we (would have) made reading things like "LEFT LANE = PASSING LANE," "USING TURN SIGNALS IS COOL," "CUT ME OFF AGAIN AND I WILL CUT YOU," and so on, and then drive around on the interstate and hold the signs out of our sunroof at the cars violating proper roadside etiquette. This film was not made for a number of reasons - perhaps the biggest reason being that it would have been really, really retarded. But anyway, the urge to tell others how shitty their driving is seems to be a fairly ingrained emotion.


If you ever, ever drive your car the wrong way down a row in the HyVee parking lot, I will follow you to your house, drag you from the driver's seat, and bludgeon you with the sacks of frozen tater tots and cheap packaged meats you just bought until your family comes running to your rescue, only to see you covered in salty gelatinous meat goo, then turns to run for the house but are cut short by the boxes of frozen Texas Toast (with cheese) that I have just hurled towards their heads. I will then strap you and your family into the backseat of your car and drive it back to HyVee, where I will park it in the middle of a row (facing the wrong direction), turn off the car, hide the key in your spouse's ass, and watch people run into your shit all. day. long.

Just don't do it. The arrows are there for a reason folks, and your time is no more valuable than mine. In fact, mine is much more valuable than yours.


Double 0 Disco strikes again. That was beautiful, my man. Especially hiding the key in the spouse's ass ('cause he or she wouldn't know it was there). Except I KNOW you've done it by accident in the Coralville Hy Vee lot back when you rolled on that side of town. Don't say you didn't. Whoever designed that lot is now somewhere sending a tube of lotion down a well.


It took me a couple reads, but "a tube of lotion down a well"? Brilliance.

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