New Product/Service Launch

My apologies for leaving you in Hot Carl's hands. You really don't want to know where those hands have been. He won't be back.

But you've probably been wondering where I've been this last week. You may have noticed my timing coincides with a pretty big event in the Southeast. It's no coincidence. You see, like any good white, male Protestant, I started thinking when the levees broke, "First, how can they do this to me? And second, how can I profit from this?"

So I called up Joe Allbaugh (who used to pay me to let him blow me in college) and Michael Brown (who used to stand by and watch--Crazy kid, some things never change!) and said, "Dudes, how can I help?" This was on Thursday of last week, so they both said, "It's too soon. Call us back once the president gets home from his mountain biking trip. Dude, did you see him thrash with Lance? Rad! Laaaaterrrrr!"

In the intervening time, I figured out how I can "help." Everyone wants to point to the fact that Halliburton has already been handed a big chunk of the billions that will be poured into Louisiana and Mississippi and say, "Aha! Cronyism at work again!" But where you see pirates and corporate looting, I see ingenuity and good ol' fashioned American clever positioning. You see nobody is going to be able to burn through hundreds of billions of dollars like Halliburton. Who else has experience charging the U.S. government for meals they never served to our troops? Who else has experience doubling their profit margin for fuel shipped to Baghdad to power the paper-thin boxes on wheels our soldiers have to drive around as targets for those terrorists that aren't attacking the West anymore (I mean, except for London last July but other than that)?

America needs Halliburton's kind of wastefulness if we're never going to rebuild the South. You know, because of the blacks. They're just going to burn it down again. What's this, like the third or fourth time they've trashed the whole place? Civil war, civil rights, all that rioting and looting because they were "left to starve" and "abandoned" by the federal, state, and local governments? Buncha welfare animals.

So, no, we're not rebuilding the South, not for them--it'll just teach them to be lazier than they already are. Thankfully, others are already floating some good ideas for New Orleans. I think the theme park idea is at the front for me. But I'll leave the bigger visions to those that have them. Me, I'm a detail man.

Think about what's going to go on over the next years. A lot of manual labor. I know when I'm doing manual labor like washing the dishes because they won't all fit in the dishwasher or mowing the lawn I like to listen to music on my mp3 player. Sometimes I spend more time loading the exact playlist on my player than I do actually performing the task the music is for.

In conjunction, then, with Apple, I have formed my own government contracting company called BitLoader. For an exorbitant fee, my hand-picked music experts will analyze each individual task to be "performed" in the "reconstruction" of the South and build the appropriate playlist for that task. Our music experts will consult with each worker and build a comprehensive and tailored iTunes library that fits both their personalities and the range of tasks they will perform: standing around and pointing, leaning on shovels, hugging old people, cradling their heads in their hands and looking weary, wrapping something in the Stars and Stripes, walking around with grandstanding and photo-opping politicians. All with those very fashionable white buds in their ears.

There's no reason they should do these difficult and expensive tasks without a soundtrack.

BitLoader is a FOR-profit company, equal opportunity employer, blah blah blah ha. Post your resumes in the comments if you want to help Keep America On Track (tm).

Comments

[slj]

Good One! What about Mr's Brown's resume? Seen the Time researched article this morning? Wish you success in your new service.

[prof h]

Hire me. I actually have a background in music related stuff (even without all that padding). I'm hoping this will help launch my job as the head of some vast government agency. And I won't wait until it's too late to get music to those who need it the most. I truly believe that I'm a good candidate for any of the jobs you need filled (unless they require wearing a tie and getting up before 10:00). Lesser men with more pathetic resumes have shown us they'll hire anybody.

[TJ]

Dear Prof H,

Thank you for submitting your resume to BitLoader. We are grateful that you too share our vision of doing as little as possible for exorbitant fees at the expense of the American taxpayer.

The fact that you've demonstrated none of this "experience" you mention in your cover letter makes you an ideal candidate. Specifically, what we'll likely need are music non-experts strategically positioned to generate free media publicity for our product.

For instance, if you can give some Garth Brooks to a guy with a shaved head and a tattoo of a UPC symbol on his neck, you're our kind of employee. Then, when he complains to the press about "abuse of gov't money" and "wastefulness" . . . BOOM. Media feeding frenzy. Suddenly BitLoader is on the tip of everyone's tongue. Look at Halliburton: before Iraq, it was all Enron this, Global Crossing that, but now? Who doesn't know the Halliburton brand?

That's America. We'll send you a check next week for $50,000. Can you start working in say June of 2007? Perfect.

[prof h]

Forget it. I'm going to join one of the local frats (preferably one of the chapters that does the rise and ralph - and hasn't been suspended yet). That way I know I'll get a government job from one of my brothers when I get out.